just a girl from texas clumsily searching for grace
this mantra has been sung in my heart - during labor, during deadlines and especially in the wake of newtown. i hope it sings in your heart too…
this is fucking awesome.
… but let’s not forget the amazing shift - Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, Washington, Colorado, Massachusetts, Indiana, Missouri, and so many more - the largest number of women in the Senate, intolerance of misogyny, marriage equality, a slow but promising start to dismantling unproductive drug laws and voter ID laws.
i am proud to raise my baby in this country even with full recognition of the work that still needs to happen.
Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
the terms “tradition” and “routine” have always scared the shit out of me. when i was a baby, finding my way through UT’s undergrad, i would intentionally take a different route to class each day so as to avoid traveling the same way twice. while i lived in austin for the majority of my young adultness, i moved almost every year and the times that i didn’t, had to repaint, reorganize, do-something-drastic, to my space in order to feel it was “new.” i felt that the moment you declare a tradition or plan that every wednesday you will do x,y and z, you are bound for disappointment…avoiding expectations was the name of my game.
with a little bear, structure is necessary and in some ways, without structure, there is no time/room/energy for spontaneity. slowly our weeks have become increasingly predictable in activities - creating a schedule with classes for mamma bear/baby bear, non-date night date nights for colin and cait, yoga time for caiter, outside time for the pirate, and family adventures. i have been fighting the need to plan 4 nights of dinners so we can just do one grocery shopping trip, declaring a night for me to escape to a fav yoga class and in general, from feeling that if the week seems predictable, the spark will be lost.
looking at my home yoga mat, which is always unrolled but has not had much action since bear, i turned to the tools of yoga philosophy to figure out why my sadhana seemed so hard to rekindle. what do the sutras teach us? we are the masters of our own struggle. after a few nights that left me drained and concerned that my personal voice was getting lost in my love and commitment to being a mom and partner, colin kicked me out to one of my favorite yoga classes last night. in class it dawned on me that in refusing to be predictable, i was being predictable - i was attached to not having a routine. in reality, it is not the schedule, it’s the rigidness one approaches the intentions set for the week that makes it suffocating. the same thing does not exist - each activity is new even if it happens on the same night of the week with the same leader. things can only seem the same if we aren’t really looking. while i still hold on to the fact that empty traditions done just for the sake of doing what we did last holiday are equal to the holding on to the ugly turtleneck you’ve kept in your closet for 10 year just in case you go somewhere where your neck might get cold, but i am no longer blind to the possibility that in creating structure, you can create space. my next challenge, will be to not attach to the structure…
for six weeks after your baby is born, the mama bear who’s body cooked and then delivered said baby (when it’s an uncomplicated, vaginal birth), has to heal. this may seem a bit obvious conceptually, but when being active is your avenue for staying mentally healthy, this prescription of stillness can be a bit threatening. that being said, i was incredibly fortunate in having a very healthy pregnancy (rode my bike two days before bear was born) and a textbook, natural delivery - however, no matter how smooth things are, there was still a 7 lbs human inside of me who made his way out into the world. now that my six weeks has been lifted, i have been rock climbing, yogaing, and running. in each case, i have been humbled by my current practice.
of the pieces above, yoga has been the most shocking for me and each time i get on my mat, i have to remind myself, that this is an opportunity for me to learn - not relearn. i feel that since moving to dc and really diving into yoga, my physical and spiritual practice blossomed as i took in the teachings with hungry gulps. now that i have that foundation, i have the opportunity to move through the practice - gaining strength and wisdom - while honoring the subtleties of both the physical and mental growth. my hope is that this journey of retooling my body for the depth of practice will give me a chance to see the details of all that the dynamic lessons illuminated by yoga. i write this out as an intention, a declaration and a personal reminder to find grace in the humility, to not mourn “what my practice was” but to celebrate the gift of fluidity - honoring the lesson taught again and again that nothing is constant and when we struggle to keep things the same, we self-inflict pain of unrealistic expectations.
anaïs nin ♥
powerful. truthful. inspiring.